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Brian Pranks The Pizza Guy
Brian Pranks the Pizza Guy is the penultimate episode of Series Four of AlexComedian1999's "Eric" series. Plot: This episode is entirely from Brian's POV, and is about what happened before and after he hit the pizza delivery man with his van. Script ERIC: Hullo. You were already wondering what happened to Brian before and after he ran over an innocent man. Now, since you've heard about the incident from my point of view, in a completely different manner, get ready to see the whole thing through Brian's eyes. Hope you enjoy, but be warned that there is an extremely gruesome and graphic scene along with imagery that is not at all suitable for the faint of heart. Ready? Roll the film, Director. (5... 4... 3... 2... 1... START.) (We open to the living room of Brian's house where Brian and his parents are watching the evening news...) VOICEOVER: GNN Evening News is sponsored by Paul's Pizza - The Pizza You Can Eat! We will be back after these messages... (some THX-style music plays before going to the break) BRIAN'S FATHER: I'm going to wash the dishes. BRIAN'S MOTHER: I'm going to make dinner. BRIAN: I guess I'll watch the commercials. (cut to what's on the TV screen - the advert starts with a boy and his mother are sitting on the dining room table, feeling bored.) BOY: Meatloaf again, Mum? MOTHER: Yup. Just like yesterday, Son. (Suddenly, a Pizza Delivery Man falls from above and lands on the ground, then gets back up.) PIZZA GUY: Are you tired of having the same food every day? MOTHER: Yup. (Music fades out to make way for an upbeat tune) PIZZA GUY: Then why not come on down to... (background changes to a fast-food-style restaurant) ...Paul's Pizza! (Boy and Mother are awestruck) MOTHER: Wow! This place is amazing! PAUL: Try our pizza - it's the best! (The boy and his mother happily munch on the pizza, and are delighted by the sudden rush of adrenaline coursing through their veins, and the pizza being broken down before being digested in their stomachs.) BOY: This was the best pizza I've ever had in my life! (Paul looks at the camera to address the viewer) PAUL: We employees at Paul's Pizza hear that, every day... (camera zooms to Paul himself) ...we do deliveries, take-aways and eat-ins. Not only that, but we also offer catering service for special events such as weddings, birthday parties, retirement parties and graduations. We always strive to provide you with the best in customer service. For deliveries, the number is on the screen, below me. It is (401) 555-1738 - that's (401) 555-1738. Order your pizza or come on down to any of our locations today! CHORUS: (sung to the tune of Funiculi, Funicula) Paul, Paul, He's the Pizza Guy! Paul, Paul, He Makes Tasty Pizzas - Come On Down And Don't Be Shy, Paul's Pizza's Surely Worth A Try! So Have A Slice Of Pizza, From the Pizza Guy! (The advert ends - cut back to Brian, who is on the phone, with a mischeivous grin. Paul picks up the phone, and the two are each split in different places.) PAUL: This is Paul's Pizza - how may we help you? BRIAN: (Paul is shocked/puzzled when he hears the order.) Um, may I have an extra large pizza with spinach, liver, brussels sprouts, onions, cooked carrots, onions, toenail clippings, anchovies, mashed potatoes and meatloaf bits, to go, please? PAUL: Your address Sir? BRIAN: It is (ADDRESS WITHHELD). PAUL: (unfazed) OK, we will be there with your order in about 10-15 minutes. Thank you for ordering with us. (TIME CARD: 10 Minutes Later...) (Brian sniggers quietly to himself because his prank worked, and he notices the Pizza Guy coming. He knocks at the door. Brian comes to get his pizza, while trying not to laugh) PAUL: Here's your pizza, Sir, that'll be $30. BRIAN: Thanks. (then throws pizza box at the Pizza Guy) PSYCH! (He laughs maniacally/hysterically, while he runs away and steals the delivery van.) PAUL: Hey! What are you doing? Get back here! You can't have your pizza without paying! (Brian drives away. Paul gets on the phone and dials 999) Hello, 999, this is Paul of Paul's Pizza, and you're not gonna believe this! A teenaged boy just stole my delivery van. He is going down the road and turning right. OK, thank you, goodbye. (BRIAN'S MOTHER and FATHER run frantically out of the house) BRAIN'S MOTHER: (in panic) WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? PAUL: Your son just stole my delivery van! Police cars and helicopters are chasing her. I will be escorted in one police car, while you two will be escorted in another. (Brian is enjoying himself, and laughs like a maniac. Then cut to overhead view of van being chased by first a police car, then another, and a helicopter flying high and alongside. Cut to a news reporter, live and on the scene of a car chase, which is being broadcasted on television.) NEWS REPORTER: This is Holly Higgins coming to you live from Memyford Road at the scene of a car chase, which is currently undergoing. Reports have emerged that the suspect, a 19-years-old young man, identified as Brian Shaw, had prank-called a local restaurant - Paul's Pizza - and hikacked the pizza delivery van. They are coming up now. (the cavalcade of vehicles run/fly past the camera and news reporter) As you can see, this is a serious situation. There are even more police cars and helicopters, along with the FBI, trying to stop the suspect. This is Holly Higgins, GNN News, Goville. (cut back to Brian in the pizza delivery van, now shocked/terrified that he is about to run over someone. Near the van, and right in front of it, the same pizza delivery guy whose van Brian had stolen is yelling at him.) PAUL: (angry, voice changed to Kidaroo) HEY! GIVE ME BACK MY VAN! (terrified and bracing for impact) NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! (There was a crash, which was blurred out for unknown reasons - possibly because it was too gory/violent for anyone to see.) (Paul the Pizza Guy - now critically injured - is taken to hospital by helicopter, which landed on the roof of the Main Building. Presently he was being dealt with in the ICU/Trauma Centre. In the room, three doctors perform some work on him. A heart monitor beeps, showing a very low pulse, so it is doubtful the hospital's newest patient will ever recover. Bear in mind that this scene - and this scene alone - contains very graphic and gruesome imagery that would not be suitable for the faint of heart.) HEAD DOCTOR: (loudly, urgently) Continue CPR on feet and make sure he's still got a pulse! Oh my God! He has multiple calcaneal, femoral and sternal fractures; one arm fracture; a pool of blood leaking from abdomen; deep tyre marks that are almost visible; and collapsed lungs! He has third and fourth degree burns all over his body! We have to perform an escharatomy on the chest, and use a power drill to place a chest tube in him immediately! It will be extremely painful! (A card covers the screen saying "You do not want to see this", meaning the surgical procedure is gruesome and much too violent to watch.) PAUL: (now has the Wiseguy voice) Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow waaaaaaaaaaaaaah, it hurts so bad, oh oh oh oh oh oh waaaaaaaaaaaah! (surgical procedure is over, but Paul is now crying in agony and has the Kidaroo voice) Ow ow ow ow ow, please, no more chest tubes, oh oh oh oh oh! HEAD DOCTOR: OK, time for surgery. (Glad that's over!) (TIME CARD: 20 Days Later...) (We now open to the criminal courtroom of a local courthouse, where two policeman show up with Brian - now in prison suit and hands cuffed behind back - in front of the judge and registrar. Brian's parents as well as Eric, his parents and his girlfriend Julie are on the jury box, while the nurse is the plaintiff, and the critically injured Paul on the witness stand. The trial has commenced.) JUDGE: We'll go on the record, in the matter of the people vs Brian Shaw. He has done the following: prank called a business, assaulted a deliveryman with pizza boxes, stealing a delivery vehicle, caused a large law enforcement scene, ran over an innocent bystander with extremely serious, surgical and significant injuries, and fleeing from law enforcement. We will now hear the extent of injuries caused by you, Mr Shaw. NURSE: You are seriously sick in the head, Mr Shaw. His entire body is broken, he can't breath without gasping in pain, his lungs are destroyed, and now needs a permenant chest tube. JUDGE: Now, what do the people have to say about this? BRIAN'S MOTHER: Guilty. BRIAN'S FATHER: Guilty. ERIC: Guilty. JULIE: Guilty. SANDRA: Guilty. ROBERT: Guilty. NURSE: Guilty. PAUL: (now critically injured to the extent that he cannot talk - has the Duncan voice, albeit fragmented) G... L... T... JUDGE: Guilty. Brian Theodore Shaw, you are hereby sentenced to being grounded for one year before your incarceration, and to withhold severe punishments in the hands of your parents - case closed. BRIAN'S FATHER: (scary voice, furious) BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN!!!!! GET YOUR FLIPPING BUTT OVER HERE RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!! N N N N N O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O W W W W W W W W W!!!!! (SFX: scary, normal volume. Brian's parents drive him home to be grounded.) BRIAN'S MOTHER: (loud, furious) BRIAN! DO YOU KNOW YOU COULD BE EXECUTED ALL THE CRIMES YOU'VE COMMITTED?! AND THAT THE PIZZA DELIVERY MAN WAS EXTREMELY CLOSE TO BEING KILLED?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!? BRIAN: (ashamed) It's because I hated the Pizza Guy, and as such I pranked him, but when I heard he wanted his van back, I had to run him over. I'm so sorry. BRIAN'S MOTHER: (still furious) THAT DOESN'T MATTER! AND YOUR APOLOGIES ARE HOLLOW, WITH NO MEANING AT ALL! WHAT GOOD COULD A SIMPLE "I'M SORRY" DO NOW?! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!! YOU ARE GROUNDED EVEN AFTER YOU GET SENT TO PRISON NEXT YEAR!!! (Brian runs to his room crying - his crying voice, when he runs up to his room, or in some other cases, is Ludoviko. What we failed to see is that, later on, he sulks in his room, thinking of a way to get revenge on his parents, Eric, Julie, and everyone else who stood in his way. But that's another story.) 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